Changes & Loss

This is probably the hardest post I've ever had to make.  Misty and I are getting a divorce.

Anybody reading this when it was posted should have know about our divorce already.  I need to get this written down, though.  I need to air out my feelings and get the story straight.  If you don't care, I don't hold it against you.  More fun and fancy should return with my next posts.  If you keep reading, though, be warned that this will get emotional.

I'm not going to go into great detail about the causes of the divorce.  I will say that nobody did anything egregious.  Neither of us were cheating and there was no abuse.  Essentially, we have changed a lot since we got married.  The feelings we had for each other changed over time, too, and we have gotten to a point where the lives we wanted to lead were too different.  So, we decided to call it off, after 8 years.

Of course, we had to think about Kay.  We both love her more than anything, and we always will.  We considered staying together to try to give her a better family life, but we decided that growing up in a broken family would be worse than to have separated parents.  It was decided that Kay would stay with Misty in Louisiana, with her family, because she could be taken care of properly there.  I visit Kay whenever I can, including a recent visit for her first birthday.  I've sent a webcam and digital camera to Misty, so she can keep me updated on everything Kay is up to.

That has been the hardest for me - missing Kay.  I've never wanted anything more than to see her every day, to watch her grow up first-hand, and to hold her and help her whenever she needs me.  It's incredibly difficult to even think about all the things I'm going to miss.  She's walking now, and just starting to talk.  She gets smarter by the day, and I'm not around to see it.  I even started to cry when I was watching a television commercial where a father comes home and is greeted by his daughter at the door.  My house is empty now, and Kay barely even recognizes me.  She certainly doesn't rush over to me when I show up.  Of all the hard things, that's the hardest - knowing my own daughter doesn't recognize me as her father anymore.  When she reaches for her mother when I pick her up.  Those things just eat me alive.

I know that she'll feel different when she gets old enough to understand.  I love my father, and I have no recollection at all of him before he and my mother divorced.  When she's old enough, Kay will stay with me for a while, perhaps for a summer or something like that.  I'm going to work my hardest to make sure she knows I love her and I hope above all things that she'll love me, too.  I'm planning another trip to see her in the next month or so, too.  Even just to hold her for one night is worth the time and expense for me.

I have to say that I can't shake the feelings of failure that this divorce has brought on.  I've said for years how I was gonna raise my family right.  I was gonna show everybody that I had what it took to be a great father, husband, and provider.  I can't help but feel like I fucked all that up.  All those times I told Misty I'd be there forever... and I'm not.  I don't regret getting married, or spending any of that time with Misty.  I just wish it could have worked out.  I've now spent a third of my life with her, and it's going to take a lot of time to get myself right.  No matter what anybody says, I'm always going to have this scar, this nagging reminder that I couldn't pull it off - I couldn't make it work.

I guess that's about it.  It took a lot of time and tears to write this down, but I want people to know.  Maybe, one day, Kay will be able to see this and know that her father loved her from before she was born, and forever afterwards.

When I compare
What I have lost with what I have gained,
What I have missed with what attained,
Little room do I find for pride.

I am aware
How many days have been idly spent;
How like an arrow the good intent
Has fallen short or been turned aside.

But who shall dare
To measure loss and gain in this wise?
Defeat may be victory in disguise;
The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow